I had my voice stolen
When I was 10, I had my voice stolen.
I’ve never written about this publicly before.
And before I explain, this post should probably come with a trigger warning...
When I was 10, I was sexually abused.
By a man, who lived in my home.
Should I be saying this openly?
I’ve been taught to keep my counsel on the subject.
Not talk about it in case people look at me differently.
THIS HAS TO END.
WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SPEAK OUT UNASHAMEDLY.
After a year of this man coming into my room, I could no longer take it.
I spoke out.
I told my mum.
And she believed me.
We went to the police.
We took it to court...
And I was called a liar.
Me. 12 year old me.
Ultimately, it was my word against his.
I had no physical evidence.
Other than MY word.
Against HIS.
He got off. Pretty much.
No justice was served.
The hard working doctor who’s reputation had been tainted by a little, attention seeking girl.
And that was tough.
To be abused is one thing.
But to be told you’re lying about it.
Is something else.
He stole me childhood.
He stole my voice.
He made me too scared to speak my mind and my true feelings.
He taught me to distrust myself.
And that’s something I’ve carried with me to this day.
After the abuse, I started to write.
And write. And write. And write.
All of my thoughts. My fears.
My concerns.
And this is why, I do what I do.
In real life, I’m pretty awkward, really.
I struggle to get my words out, often.
I stutter.
I get anxious in social situations and in particular if I’m put on the spot.
But with writing.
Something just flows.
It always has.
Now, why am I telling you this?
I have had a monumental amount of messages recently from people telling me that reading my words stops them from feeling alone.
And I want you all to know, that THATS exactly what YOU do for ME.
Everything I go through.
Everything I write.
Every time you comment.
It makes me feel a little more ‘normal’ (whatever the fuck that word even means).
So thank you. All of you.
And I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank my abuser.
And all of the people who did not believe me.
Because if it hadn’t been for you, it wouldn’t have brought me to where I am today.
And for all of you.
Who had your voice taken. Savagely.
I want you to know something, and I say this from the bottom of my heart;
I BELIEVE YOU.
You have the ability to harness that shit energy and turn it into something positive. Something amazing.
It got you to where you are today.
And whilst it might’ve broken you, you ARE an incredible human being.
Who DID NOT deserve to go through that...
The fact that you are still here to tell the tale is a testament to your strength.
Because fuck me. That strength?
It’s intangible.
Don’t EVER take it for granted.
Find your voice:
Because it matters.
YOU matter.
Trauma, no matter how small, shapes us.
For better and for worse.
But you can certainly find the value in the better.
Focus on that.
Always.
Love you guys.
Thank you for being here.
