Getting lost - a key component in the process of finding yourself
Since starting this blog, I often get messages from people who say that they envy me and that it appears that I have my s**t together. Whilst this is very flattering, I must also point out that I absolutely do not have all of my s**t together, its just more together now than it has been in the past. I've found myself getting very, very lost on this journey of life. Sometimes for years at a time. I have made some terrible decisions, embarked upon destructive relationships and it was all too common for me to find my solace in the bottom of a wine bottle (or two). You see, sometimes you have to reach your very lowest point before you can start to build yourself back up again.
At the time of being at your lowest, it can often feel like there is no way out. You feel stifled and suffocated by your own feelings of unworthiness and lack of self belief. This can cause you to fall further into your depression and anxiety by feeling like you don't matter and that your views and opinions don't count. I'm going to tell you something now that I want you to tell yourself everyday from here on out. YOU ARE WORTHY. You don't need someone else to tell you this. You need to learn it for yourself before you can build yourself back up again. Once you believe in your self worth, you will start to find it easier to pick yourself back up from rock bottom.
Your worth does not lie in the hearts, eyes and mouths of others. You, and you alone are responsible for it.
You don't need your partner, your mother, your father, your siblings to believe in you. As lovely as that would be in an ideal world, sometimes you have to find the courage from within yourself. You could have all of the family and friends in the world supporting you, but if you do not trust your own choices, then you cannot expect to build yourself back up again. And whilst your worthiness does not lie with others, that does not mean that you should shut yourself away. Talking these feelings through can be the start of your road to learning how to better manage your feelings.
It is very easy to get lost in motherhood.
I am still in a bit of a lull with it all after months of illnesses within the family. My anxiety levels have been through the roof. But the one thing I have refused to do is let that manifest into feelings of unworthiness. I have continued to mother to the best of my abilities and I have tried to be open and honest with people about how I've been feeling. The exhaustion, the fear, the vulnerability is so overpowering and all consuming. Especially when you are responsible for the children as well.
You are only human, and therefore there is only so much you can do.
In times of loneliness and insecurity, remember that there is nothing wrong with reaching out. Admitting that there is a problem is by no means a weakness. It demonstrates strength and courage. AND IT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD MOTHER. It makes you normal. And in fact, it shows that you are trying to be the best mother that you can be, for the sake of your children.